


first and last and always

by laireshi



Category: Avengers (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2550986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not like waking up from the ice. Steve has seen how this year came to be, has seen every day of the few decades that passed.</p><p>None of them seemed real, because it was wrong, so wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	first and last and always

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is missbecky's fault.  
> Thanks for beta to [ryangaywood](http://ryangaywood.tumblr.com/) and [missbecky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/missbecky/pseuds/missbecky) :)
> 
> There are more spoilery warnings at the end.

It's not like waking up from the ice. Steve has seen how this year came to be, has seen every day of the few decades that passed. 

None of them seemed real, because it was wrong, so wrong. 

He woke up one day and Tony – wasn't there.

(Steve visits him sometimes, the cold white stone with Tony's name written on it, and he thinks it's not real either.)

He hears her before she lands, but he doesn't turn back. Carol puts a hand on his arm, and grips it just tight enough to let him know she's not going back alone.

“Come back,” she says. “You've been here for hours.”

Steve looks down. They're on the roof of what once was the Avengers Tower – _the Stark Tower_ – but now is just another abandoned building. There's better tech now in the world. Based on Tony's, but not his. It can't be, not anymore.

But when Steve thinks, _home_ , he still sees this place. The Mansion was his first home too, but he spent more time in the Tower. His first and last kiss with Tony were in the Tower.

But now Tony is gone, the Tower is empty, and Steve is lost.

“A few minutes,” he says.

“I miss him too,” Carol says. “But it's been years, and . . .”

He shakes his head. He doesn't want to hear it. Not today. Not when he can't bring himself to visit Tony's grave, because he knows there would be other people there, and he wants to be alone when he goes there. 

_It's been months_ , Carol said the first time she found him on the roof, the Tower still full of people then.

Steve wants to be alone, and she never lets him. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's not.

He sighs and lets her turn him around.

“You need sleep,” she says.

He can't sleep, not when the anniversary comes. He only has one dream, one memory then.

It's always the same.

_They're outside, smiling. It's their first date. There's something indescribable in Tony's eyes. Steve thinks it's what having Tony's full attention on him feels like._

_The sun is bright, it's the first day of spring, and Steve is happier than he's ever been._

_Tony moves in front of him, and Steve's hand goes to Tony's hip, Steve leans in for a kiss –_

_The sound is deafening, and Tony falls in Steve's arms, warm blood sinking through his t-shirt._

Steve doesn't remember anything else from this day.

“Steve,” Carol says, and he realises he blanked out. 

“Sorry,” he said.

“Come back,” she repeats, looking at him worriedly.

It's been years, but her eyes are still as clear, her face as young as then. Kree DNA, he supposes. There are so few left who remember Tony. Super-heroing isn't a safe job.

“Okay,” he says finally. She nods, catches him by his arms and flies them down. He always prefers to get back to what passes for his flat on foot and she knows it.

He only just touched the pavement when there's a sound like an explosion. Carol covers him, but he looks over her shoulder, and –

Impossible.

 _Impossible_.

A man is stumbling out of what looks like a rapidly closing portal. He looks like Tony, but he can't be him, right?

“Stay here,” Carol says, but it's unnecessary. Steve can't move anyway. He looks at – not-Tony. It can't be Tony. It can't.

But he moves just like him, looks like him, he has his smile, uncertain now, his eyes, so blue. He has on a white tank top, and Steve remembers the spots of motor engine on it, he remembers them exactly, because it's the tank top Tony had on when he kissed Steve for the first time.

But it's just not possible. Because Tony is dead.

Carol is talking to him, quietly enough Steve can't hear her. And then she reaches out to him and hugs him tight, and –

Steve runs.

***

It couldn't have been Tony, except Carol hugged him like it was, and –

Steve isn't sure if he wanted him to be Tony. Steve . . . He knows he has never quite dealt with Tony dying, but – he can't deal with getting him back for a few minutes just to lose him again. He can't. He wants to go out, find Tony, hug him and never let him go. He's so afraid of doing it.

He realises someone's knocking at his door. A part of him doesn't want to open it. A bigger part says, what if it's Tony? Steve gets up and opens the door. It's Carol, and he tries to hide his disappointment. 

“He's at the Baxter Building,” Carol says without any preamble. “Franklin has the portal back almost ready. I've never seen him so lost, Steve. Never. His face when you left –”

“I'm sorry,” Steve whispers. He never wanted to hurt Tony. Even as he thinks it, he knows it's not exactly true, but – 

He wants to see Tony smile, just one more time.

“Go to him,” Carol says. “It's – you know Franklin. He won't tell him a thing, and he didn't let Tony touch his computers, and Tony – he listened.”

He what?

“Are you sure it's him?” Steve asks

“We made the tests,” Carol says. She looks sad. “Look. I want to keep him here as much as you do, but Franklin is right. After the last war – you know we can't afford another time anomaly.”

He wishes he could be as matter-of-fact about it as she is. Thinking about the last war still hurts, but even the memory of Tony betraying him is better than the one of Tony dying.

“Let's go then,” he says, because that's it, isn't it?

He can see Tony again. He has to do it.

***

Carol flies them to the Baxter Building and Steve tries not to remember how it felt to be up in the sky, Iron Man's strong arm safely wrapped around his waist.

Carol sets them down in front of the building before he can think more of it, and then HERBIE is scanning them and allowing them access.

Steve follows Carol through the white corridors, and then they're in the lab, and –

Tony looks at him. Steve can't stay away. He crosses the room in seconds, doesn't even look around to see where Franklin is. He wraps his arms tight around Tony, like he wanted to do for the past thirty years. He tucks his head between Tony's neck and shoulder and breathes him in, the smell of metal always clinging to Tony's skin. Steve hasn't forgotten his scent, but it's so different to feel him close and alive again.

“So, 2049, and you still look the same,” Tony says, his arms circling Steve loosely. “Good genes, old man.”

Steve wants to smile, but his eyes feel wet. “Tony,” he says, and can't seem to get anything else out.

Tony pushes him away at arm's length and looks at his face. “Steve?” he asks, worriedly.

“You died thirty years ago,” Steve chokes out. His hands are closed tight on Tony's arms and he's afraid he'll leave bruises, but –

Tony is here and Steve can touch him again, and it's everything he's ever wanted.

Tony's face is unreadable. 

“I –”

“Don't do it,” Steve says. He doesn't care about the time continuum one bit at the moment. Tony's alive under his hands. He wants him back. “We – we'll go on a date,” he explains. He still remembers the overwhelming joy when Tony kissed him and then said, “go on a date with me”. Steve wasn't even surprised, too busy kissing Tony back immediately. And then . . . Steve closed his eyes briefly. “Tony, don't do it,” he begs. “It's not worth it.”

Tony looks at him as if he's losing his mind. “A date,” he repeats.

Steve kisses him.

He's not sure what he expected, and it's only their second kiss – and he realises it must be the first one, for Tony. Tony's soft under his hands, but he reciprocates, his lips pressing at Steve's, even as the realisation hits Steve.

He kissed Tony before Tony kissed him.

He told Tony –

He pushes Tony away, suddenly. “No,” he says. “No. Forget about it – Tony, please, I –” Steve stops himself. He's not sure what he can say now. Tony is looking at him, something like understanding on his face.

“You can't,” Steve says.

“Someone aimed at you,” Tony says, and he's always been a genius and Steve has never hated him more because of it than now.

“No,” he says.

“You're a lousy liar,” Tony says. He still looks a bit dazed, and a lot determined. “Franklin!” he calls. “You ready?”

“I didn't want to disturb you,” Franklin replies from across the lab.

Steve looks as Tony walks away from him.

He doesn't know how to stop him.

He doesn't know –

“I love you,” he says.

Tony looks back. His eyes hold the answer.

Then he's going through the portal again.

Steve doesn't expect any change, not really, so he doesn't know why he feels like he can't breathe when nothing happens. No explosions of white light, no waking up in another reality with Tony at his side.

Not after what he'd done.

Franklin goes to him. “He left that,” he says.

Steve looks at what Franklin is passing him. A piece of paper. When did Tony have time to – 

Steve opens it.

 _I'm sorry_ , scribbled quickly in Tony's usually elegant handwriting. 

Steve crumples it in his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Major character death, Tony Stark. Not a happy ending.


End file.
